How to Keep Some Sanity in Your Life

1. AT LUNCHTIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT THAT SUPERSIZED.

4. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

5. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH, "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."

9. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.

10. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."

11. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.

12. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

13. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"

14. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."